I just gift wrapped bread.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
