I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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