I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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