maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
