you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
