all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
