Who wears a wallet chain?!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize