just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
my poor anus
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
