highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
