Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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