so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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