Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
