Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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