I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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