If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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