I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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