hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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