so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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