I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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