I wish I only lived at night.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
