At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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