The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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