she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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