WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
