Got a toothbrush?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You can't just leave with hair like that
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
