then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
