I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
