remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
