We named our party play list daddy issues
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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