we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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