just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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