It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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