i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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