i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
