He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
