i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize