I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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