so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
