My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
