Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
