I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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