i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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