New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
