There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
