So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
