Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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