so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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