Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Randomize
