Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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