I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
