i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
