yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
