just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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