what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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