Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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