Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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