then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
