Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
