I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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